Near miss
Oh well. Keep trying, and you'll bag 'em eventually. Don't let the fact that you won't get a square in Palestinian Terrorist Bingo stop you.
I was flicking through the channels last night when I came across something utterly horrifying...
LARRY KING: (whispers) It's almost lifelike... how long do we have this thing until Tosseaud's wants it back? Shouldn't we turn down the lights a bit so it doesn't melt, or do they use some kind of heat-resistant wax for these thi-
STAR JONES: I'm not a waxwork, I'm real! And Barbara Walters screwed me!
LARRY KING: Oy GEVALT! It moves, too! Who makes robots like this? Is this some kind of promotion for a new ride at Disneyworld or something? They're always trying to tie movies with new rides, so why not their ABC shows, right? Tell me this is some kind of trick...
STAR JONES: How about I drink something? Would that prove to you I'm real?
LARRY KING: It's throat moves... let me tell you about "The View" from here... I'm realy to hurl up my gefilte fish.
STAR JONES: See? I'm real.
LARRY KING: Okay, okay. But those nails are fake. And those hoo-hahs... it's like you're smuggling Fabrege ostrich eggs. How about we do some kind of... what you you call those things to tell if someone's human and not a robot?
STAR JONES: Well, I'm a lawyer, so...
LARRY KING: I said human, stupid. Oh... Turning... Touring... Turing! A Turing Test.
STAR JONES: Well, I... um... er...
LARRY KING: Okay, I believe you. Nobody would waste their time building a robot as stupid or scary-looking as you. Although I hear my friend Tammy Faye is working on a Tammyland theme park. Anyway, Star Jones. You're here. And not a robot or waxwork. What did Barbara Walters do to you?
STAR JONES: She screwed me. She screwed the shit out of me. And then she told me to lie about it so the audience wouldn't think she was a lying-assed bitch.
LARRY KING: But didn't you say earlier you're a lawyer?
STAR JONES: I... um...
LARRY KING: So how much did you sue the person who ran you over and gave you that face for?
STAR JONES: I wasn't run over, Larry, I!
LARRY KING: Are you trying to tell me you paid a doctor to do that to you?
STAR JONES: Yes, I!
LARRY KING: What was his name? Or her name? Or just the name. I want to know so I can avoid them when I get my tenth wife a new rack. Fabrege ostrich eggs, I tell you. Or am I on eleven now? Shit, I can't keep track.
STAR JONES: Can't we talk about how Baraba Walters screwed me?
LARRY KING: Bah. Had her, done her, broke her open like a shotgun and filled her with protein buckshot.
STAR JONES: Why you...
LARRY KING: Maybe I should call her up and marry her? Unless... she didn't buy her tatas from the Dr. Mengele you went to, did you? Oy GEVALT!